I Hate Billy Billoli

So I've cracked. I have to take things into my own hands. I'm going to. It's scaring me thinking about it. But, I can't wait around again. I'm not the same girl that did before. Last night at the dance I feel like things changed between us again. Or at least I hope so... If only I could telepathically get him to do something...

I went to track meeting on Wednesday. It was scary. Haha.

My moms trying to make things better. It's not working. He's an idiot. Who need to like go back to high school again or something. Seriously I think my brain is more developed and hes 44 or something.

Natalie

Depressing

Wow, I'm depressing. No wonder no one comments. (or that fact that no one reads it haha) I was reading my old blog and I was much more up beat. I guess this family of mine is just constantly pulling me in all directions and I get spread too thin some days. I have to be the peace makers, the one who puts the baby to bed. Well, I guess he's not a baby anymore. I find myself calling him Boogs, short for boogers, instead of Babe. 

Billy Billoli turned my world upside down. I get a pit in the bottom of my stomach just thinking about it. Still enjoying my good mood. It's just taring me apart. I don't know if I should leave the past in the past, or pick up some pieces. Oh, I want to pick up the pieces so bad. I guess this is something I used to talk to Michael Bice about, but I don't get on AIM anymore so I don't talk to him. I don't really want to. Like my mom said, "You don't really want to go though telling everyone again." And I don't. Ah, how I long for Billy to get back to me. I swear that boy! I just can't keep it out of my mind. I'm going to get crushed. I just know it, and yet... 

Crazy woman who is taring down her walls of protection,

Natalie

(I accidentally posted this to my old one! I went to re-read it while I was editing and changing things and it wasn't there! I found it thought. Haha!)

Billy Billoli

I have sinned. It's bitter sweet. I know I should not me be thinking this but I can't help it. Billoli is talking to someone... and it's got me all hyper. I mentioned to him that I would take that boy back in a heartbeat and he said 'don't do anything stupid'. All because I was talking about being alone on Valentine's Day. I love my neighbor. We're going to do track together, only if he parents okay it though... So well see. 

I hyper now. I should not be getting me hopes up, but it's put me in this great mood. So if I get a little hurt well at least I go a few things accomplished while I am in this mood.

~Natalie

Knowledge Is the Best Defence

I've always heard that the best way to deal with diseases is to be well informed. So today I once again googled it. It brought me to tears reading some of it. In a way it made me grateful for my mom and I both being on the same side. No joke I think I my mom was on his side on this I think I would have committed suicide by now. Thinking back I remember times at my old house where this was a problem too. I hear my moms accounts from before I was old enough to put the pieces together. I pray for my baby brother each day and how his future will be. My mommy made a remark the other day about me taking care of my brother when he's 40 and going through this. I'm crying as I'm writing this... I kills me to think of the future. I read something on one of the 'Ask the Therapist' sites where it says they loose a little bit each time they have an episode that they can't get back or go back to. All I could think of was fuck, this is going to be a long life. I also read some comment about teens who had to have restraining orders or one that made a tear fall was a girl who lost her dad to the disease. Which mean he caused it during an episode. 

My mom keeps telling him we need the paper work for a support group. Each time my mom and I are away we talk about some people at her work tell her how strong she is that she can just laugh about. We looked at each other and asked at the same time how else were we suppose to live with it? We can't be sad otherwise we'll just miss out on life and there's no point in being angry. For some reason these are the cards we were dealt and we just have to make the best of the hand.

I've been pretty down the last few day. I don't really like my new schedule. Well take out the 'really'. I don't like it at all. Going back and reading my posts from last winter, I see that I had just about the same attitude. My first 3 hours are sophomore classes so it's all the same people from the last few years so not only are they different teacher but it's the same boring people as past years. 

This summer I am planning different camps. I have basketball camp and band camp, and I have been looking into an Engineering Camp up in the U.P. I am longing for summer. The swimsuits were on the racks at Target today and I wanted to go and look at them, but I got a shirt for track instead. Yes, Yes, I'm going to sign up on Tuesday. No more procrastinating for me. I figure it can only be as hard as basketball, mostly likely, it will be will be easier. Hopefully some of the freshmen I play basketball with will being doing Track because Makenna, Mackenzie, Bri, and Christy all play softball. Jessi had said she was going to run with me but she ran the mile the other day in S&R and when she sat down she commented about not wanting to. Also when I asked if she wanted to go sign up with me on Tuesday she hesitated and changed the subject or something. I figure if I could do basketball alone for about two months before anyone knew, then I can do Track. The only thing about Track is there's a lot more people. There's only 3 more weeks of basketball :( I'm happy but also sad because I have to think about staying on JV next year, I guess if Chet can do it, I can. 

I jammed my finger again at practice on Thursday. I had been sore and the size had gone down, but all hopes of getting my ring to go over it every morning are gone again. It was bruised at the knuckle this morning. And wouldn't you guess my tape is in my locker at school. So my mom bought some more while we were at Target today. I have typed this whole thing with my middle finger and ring finger taped together. 

Well, I've run out of things to talk about.

~Natalie

Sunday Computer Post

I put some new gadgets on here. Don't get your hopes up, it's nothing that will effect you regulars (haha). Anyways, it looks like I post every Sunday the old fashion way, from the website and not my cellular phone. You guys get to hear from me so much more now that I can just text a post. I do that all the time.

So I jinxed it. And that's all I have to say about that.

My moms been bradding my hair for me lately. I like it. It's different. I'm used to having a ponytail for a bun, or having it down, so this way it's out of the way.

I'm not really in the best mood today. I have a cold and my moms at work. My dad was suppose to go away this weekend, but that changed.

Well I have to go before my dad eats my chicken taco in the fridge left over from yesterday's Taco Bell run.

~Nat.

Now I remember how I lost my weight. I didn't eat. This dawned on my a few days ago. My reasoning had been to improve my image in hope he would take me back. But yesterday after that phone call in the kitchen, I knew it was May 30, 2009 the day my daddy didnt come home, that had truely changed me. Now every moment on has changed me as well.

It's been a rough two days.

~nat