Going to try something new. I'm going to make my own cake, with fondant. I have no clue how it's going to turn out. I'm going to buy it pre-made from Wal-Mart, Meijers, Michael's, some place like that. I still haven't quite decided what it's going to look like though. I've got a few ideas, but nothing solid.

Mini-Vacation

I just got back from a mini-vacation. It was amazing. I didn't even feel like we were in the same state. It was great. 

Thought I would share some photos.

85 degrees

Award Winning Photo

From Up in a Light House

Self explanatory

Anyway, it was a lot of fun, and laughing. Currently it's pouring outside and I'm eating a Hersey's bar that melted and I put in the fridge. It no longer has the logo on it. It's strange how it doesn't even taste the same. I'm starting to get nerves about my birthday party. Before I sent out the invites I didn't even care. Now, I'm nerves. 

Well, that's it.

Nata

Depressing?

I looked back at some of my old posts... I'm a very depressing person. Maybe I only looked at posts that at certain tags, but still. I guess I only really post when I'm sad. When I'm happy there's no need to post.

I woke up this morning and something was wrong. I could feel it. The second my brother got upstairs he solved it. My dad was still at the house. On a Monday. When he has a job.  Still it's a temp job, and he makes more on unemployment, but still. It pinched my heart. I still feel a little upset about it. We're up north now, so it will allow my mom to straighten out what she need to straighten out. Why can't life just be plain and simple. Ugh. It just takes too much out of me to thing about.

Bye

No More Laughing Out Loud

I got this sweet new gadget. I can update my blog from it. I don't have to login through the website. Just right here on my desktop. Moving on!
Last night, Baileigh tried to get who Trev liked out of him. He wouldn't let her. Surprise, surprise. He didn't deny liking me but he didn't say he did. I think through out that day today I have mustered up the guts to ask him flat out. I'm nearly dead set on it. But, I'm slowly leaking out my confidence... I want him to be at my birthday party. If things get weird he won't come. We talked for like two hours last night online. I just need the guts to ask him myself, to end my confusion. I don't want to hear his answer though. I do, but I don't. I only want to hear it if it's what I want to hear. Anyway, Baileigh talking to him only screwed with my head. It got him to IM me first though. I know, I know. Moving on!
I have two new goals to focus on. Goal #1: To never used the acronym "lol." After I sucsessfully do that for a little while, I will try to not use them at all. I feel like it will help with my speech and my communication skills. I think it will help me carry out conversations better. Using it now makes me thing of someone who is immature and uneducated. Nessa and Adam use it way to much, so now evey time I use it it sickens me. Therefore, I'm not going to use it. Goal #2: It is a little less envasice. I'm making it a goal not to use the A/C in the van as much. I'm going to be driving that the most when I get my liscence. My neighbor said if you don't use the A/C much it will last longer. So, I'm not going to use it. (Ah, just nearly used "lol" while IMing. Backspaced it though.)
Anywho!
That's about it for now.

Kiss. Kiss. (haha)

Natalie

A Long Update

I planned on writing a really long rant. I did, really. After I had to log in though, I lost it. I no longer felt like it.

So, quite outline. Still like the same person, which sucks ass. I don't want to go to basketball, but my mom says we paid the money I'm going. Therefore, I have to suffer through it. I don't even know if I plan on trying out this year. Maybe I can join some work out class. I could get a job instead of a sport in the fall and winter. Then only do Track in the spring. I love track. It's great. It also makes basketball look like a lot of work... and confusion. Anyway that's a ways away.

I wish I could be up north... It's killing me that Nessa is up there sleeping in my bed. Ugh. It drives me up a wall that I'm here fretting about basketball and she's up there tubing without me. It just bothers me. That has always been my thing to stay up there with GG. I guess she needs a chance too, but still. All she does it whine about missing Adam and my brother. "Brandon doesn't know what no means." That got under my skin. Also, when she put it as her status that, "I'm going to cry to get everything I want." The post got me pretty fired up. I even commented on it... But I deleted it. I didn't want to start any fights.

On a better note, I get to go back up north after Brian's graduation party. Band camp was postponed, so now I can go back up north sooner. My mom says I'm not going to band camp if it's the week she has off of work. If they schedule it then she says I'm just not going. Works for me. They can't require us to go if they don't give us a fair amount of time before.

Also, my dad got a job through a Temp Agency. His unemployment ran out and they didn't know if they were going to renew it. So, now he has a temp job.

This turned out be some what lengthy after all. I tried to not repeat myself much. To make it more flowing. I put a lot of fragments in there too. Opps.

Nat

My New Theroy

So my new way to get over him is to forget about the memories and remember new ones as friends. If it goes a different way then cool, if not well were just friends. I'm ready to find someone new. So, I think I'm going to go to my church group thing on Sunday nights. I know that's bad to go to a church to meet new guys but, I think if it helps heal my heart then I think God will understand.

I also need to go back to my 'lifestyle change' before I start putting even more pounds back on. This summer I know I'll be strict again.

Today I looked at all the people prom pictures on Facebook. I'm excited for my prom next year. I hope Nessa and Adam stay together, so we can go to prom together. :) That would be so much fun. :) Here are some of the dresses I've been looking at today. Only the unique ones. When I go to prom they won't be anything like these. Mine will be cheaper. :)

Girls Are Smart, Guys Are Dumb

I need an inside man. I need someone to help settle this once and for all. Yet... The last few days I really don't want to know... Guys are so stupid. They send freaking mixed signals. I am driving myself nuts over this. I want to know... and I want it to be to my benefit.

I've got myself some new friends. They crack me up, all of them. My track friends are crazy perverts that creep me out, but they are so much fun. Also, this guy Zach. He cracks me up. He makes my day so much brighter. We skipped down the hallway with linked arms the other day. Marissa and I are his hoes. He walks down the hall with his arms around our shoulders.

I think our school need to do like the Amish village in my book and swap guys with another school. I just want to meet a new amazing guy, that's single, crazy, smart, ambitious, nice, upfront, spontaneous, and it would be a added bonus if he could drive. :) Oh and don't forget a cutie. :p There's slim pickin's at my school. Either they are jerks, stupid, ugly, your ex, still stinging it out with an ex, or too shy to make a move.

I'm a dreamer lately, bare with me. I'm sure I'll get over him again soon. If only...

Natalie

I got in :)

I got the WIE scholarship at MTU.

Today was pretty good. Things are in the in-between right now.I'm not happy, but I'm not sad. Some changes are being made and trying to settle into them.

I haven't really felt like writing. I promise I'm write more as soon as I feel like it.

Until my next update,
Nat

We Are Freaks

So guess where I went tonight... Wrong... Wrong... Wrong again. Trevor Murray's house. I know! We called up his mom to take over the book worms we make for her classes and we went over to drop them off. His mom deiced we were going to have ice cream so she left my bother, Trev, and Me alone, and went to Frank's with my mom. We had fun. We had ice cream sundaes. Then my brother and him played PS3 and I sat between them... I played keep away with his hat. :) We flirted like mad while we played NBA and NHL. He wasn't even paying attention to the NBA game and got beat by ten to my brother... He had been talking with me. :)

I text him when we got home saying we got home alive, we talked about stuff, but I think he fell asleep. He keeps saying he was coming over tomorrow for a hair cut... I hope so. ;) I'm babysitting Billoli's brother at 2, so I told him before then. I hope he seriously does. I'm falling for that boy again.

Spring Break

I am pretending that I am in Florida. I even packed for 'Florida.' I have a few dressing and some summery outfits to wear. I have to say my sunglasses never leave my head either. We're on a 'stay-cation.' It's only two hours from home but I doesn't feel like it. We went down to the pool last night and enjoyed the hot tubs. They have an indoor and an outdoor one. We tested out both of them.

Right now I'm laying across the bed enjoying the piece and quiet while my brother is down at the pool. When they get back up here we're headed to the buffet for brunch. GG got some comp. last night we we have $50 to put towards a meal. We're thinking of putting my brother in the daycare while we go eat because he got buffet breakfast so all he would be doing is fussing to leave. They have a supervised arcade where you can send your kid in for an hour for like $6. It's a deal.

Well, my shoulders are getting tired from typing like this, so tata for now.

P.S. Mrs. Bromley needs to grade some more papers so my grade will go up (Ms. Kovach, too).

New Templete

Blogger has done a great job with there new layouts. I love it . It was very user friendly and they are actually backgrounds I like. Now I don't have to import my layouts. I also don't have to redo my gadgets every time I redo my template.

I had planned on writing a long post but this computer does not seem to be agreeing with my and lagging very bad. So I think I have just update you all. (haha)

My mystery man is no longer a mystery. Billy Billoli let everyone know at lunch. Now I get funny looks when I talk to him from them. As well a Makeena not shutting up about it all other times of the day,

We had to run around town on Friday. Oh there, I closed two tabs and now the computer's fine. Anyway, it was the longest thing ever my god. My calves killed. I think it's from the type of heel my new shoes have. So I stretched whenever we stopped. We had to slow down to a walk so many times because of two girls in our group of 6 couldn't keep up because of this we came in last. We did get pop-sickles when we got back to the school. We have pictures Monday and our first meet is Tuesday. Right now I am looking up shot-put technique videos. haha. Some are just people doing there glide. Some look like mine, which are never good.

It is now 2 AM and my internet is uncapped until 7 AM. Yay.

I went to Nessa's yesterday and we went to ZAP Zone. It was amazing I kicked butt. I came in 2nd, 1st, and 7th. I was fun to be over and Nessa's on not be constantly reminded of my problems. My idiotic mother did not relize that I did actully want to stay another night and was having Nessa ask. So tonight once we got home and I was getting the computer from her she asked me, "So did you really want to stay the night again?" I was livid. I made a few smart remarks and walked out of her room. So here I sit on my bed with the laptop on my lap with a knot in the back of my throat holding back the tears that I have made a habit of crying each night. During the day I rarely feel the need to cry but as soon as the lights are off in my room my breath catches and I let out many silent sobs to God.

Well that's all for tonight.

Nat

Sorry it decied to send in 11 different posts.

Well I'm torn between old and new. My mystery man, which is not much of a mystery anymore, and my weakness...him. I let myself fall again the other day. My guard completly down, as if I hadn't worked the last year on building it up... I can only imagine how pathetic I looked. Not only did I let my guard down, I spilt my guts. No, not about having feelings for him but why my dad is the way he is... He made a remark and I imagine he got a different answer then he was expecting... Billy found out who my mystery man is today. It's not like I hide it. My mother and brother are trying to guess who I like, they've said his name twice, but I told them no. They don't suspect it at all. I also told them I'm not going to tell them when they're right.

I can hear water falling from the roof left from the rain earlier today. I love it when it rains, it's my favorite thing. One day it would be interesting to kiss in the rain. I can see myself in the rain, all romantic-like, but I picture who I'm with.

I wonder if Billy would be able to do some digging for me this time, unlike last time. He was so reluntant to find out who it was. I wonder if he wants to hook us up just as bad, probably.

My home life is falling to pieces for a 3rd time. This time I'm not just playing along. I'm not encouraging it this time, a new approch. I know it won't fix it but I need a new way to deal with it myself. It's hurting me to. It kills me when I think how I'm stronger then my father.

Well I've said enough tonight,
ohhhh thunder I love spring.
Nat

OMG! I just put my application in the envelope and licked it shut! All it needs now is a stamp :)

Track tomorrow afterschool... Ahh.

I tawnted Billy with me liking a mystery man today. It was fun. He couln't guess who it was, and really I don't want to think about it.

I'm gonna die tomorrow... Ahh. Night.
~Nat

New Guys

We got more new guys today. One is in my LA class and one is in my S&R. The one in S&R isnt ever cute but hes nice. The one in LA is cute; I don't know if he's nice. Maybe I'll make a new friends. haha. I kinda am interested in someone, but I don't want to use the phrase 'like'. Pipe dreams.

Jessi and I were dying today. It was halrious. I don't think I've laughed that hard since New Years with Jessi. I was fun. We made fools of ourselves but we could careless.

Nighy Night
Nat

Suppose to be from my cell...

Uhhh. My head feels mangled, twisted, torn. I feels as though it is being filled and stepped repeatedly. I'm setting myself up for heart brake. It's killing me. I feel drained by the end of the day, from this mental war I'm fighting. I feel as though I'm reanacting freshman year. If I am the crash is coming soon. If only... But I need to face the facts. He dumped me. Last year at that. As Sam puts it "oh, oh, that's bad. You need to just forget him and move on." He's right, I do; and yet, I'm not. I just wish there was some other guy to take my mind off of him. But I want to be with someone smart, but funny, as well as cute, snd nice. So basicly the few there are at Grass Lake. I want that one... Every guy is forever going to be put into a vantiagram vs. Trevor. It's just how my brain works.

I'm so nerves for track. I'm out of shape again. Everyone else is going to know what they want to run and I won't. It's going to be like b-ball all over again. Hopefully I get just as lucky with a coach as I did with Fabor, he's in a way like the dad I picture.

I was kind of sad today. Twice today, I had the thought, "what would everyone do if I just started balling."
Well I'm going to go back to reading. Night.

~Nat

I Hate Billy Billoli

So I've cracked. I have to take things into my own hands. I'm going to. It's scaring me thinking about it. But, I can't wait around again. I'm not the same girl that did before. Last night at the dance I feel like things changed between us again. Or at least I hope so... If only I could telepathically get him to do something...

I went to track meeting on Wednesday. It was scary. Haha.

My moms trying to make things better. It's not working. He's an idiot. Who need to like go back to high school again or something. Seriously I think my brain is more developed and hes 44 or something.

Natalie

Depressing

Wow, I'm depressing. No wonder no one comments. (or that fact that no one reads it haha) I was reading my old blog and I was much more up beat. I guess this family of mine is just constantly pulling me in all directions and I get spread too thin some days. I have to be the peace makers, the one who puts the baby to bed. Well, I guess he's not a baby anymore. I find myself calling him Boogs, short for boogers, instead of Babe. 

Billy Billoli turned my world upside down. I get a pit in the bottom of my stomach just thinking about it. Still enjoying my good mood. It's just taring me apart. I don't know if I should leave the past in the past, or pick up some pieces. Oh, I want to pick up the pieces so bad. I guess this is something I used to talk to Michael Bice about, but I don't get on AIM anymore so I don't talk to him. I don't really want to. Like my mom said, "You don't really want to go though telling everyone again." And I don't. Ah, how I long for Billy to get back to me. I swear that boy! I just can't keep it out of my mind. I'm going to get crushed. I just know it, and yet... 

Crazy woman who is taring down her walls of protection,

Natalie

(I accidentally posted this to my old one! I went to re-read it while I was editing and changing things and it wasn't there! I found it thought. Haha!)

Billy Billoli

I have sinned. It's bitter sweet. I know I should not me be thinking this but I can't help it. Billoli is talking to someone... and it's got me all hyper. I mentioned to him that I would take that boy back in a heartbeat and he said 'don't do anything stupid'. All because I was talking about being alone on Valentine's Day. I love my neighbor. We're going to do track together, only if he parents okay it though... So well see. 

I hyper now. I should not be getting me hopes up, but it's put me in this great mood. So if I get a little hurt well at least I go a few things accomplished while I am in this mood.

~Natalie

Knowledge Is the Best Defence

I've always heard that the best way to deal with diseases is to be well informed. So today I once again googled it. It brought me to tears reading some of it. In a way it made me grateful for my mom and I both being on the same side. No joke I think I my mom was on his side on this I think I would have committed suicide by now. Thinking back I remember times at my old house where this was a problem too. I hear my moms accounts from before I was old enough to put the pieces together. I pray for my baby brother each day and how his future will be. My mommy made a remark the other day about me taking care of my brother when he's 40 and going through this. I'm crying as I'm writing this... I kills me to think of the future. I read something on one of the 'Ask the Therapist' sites where it says they loose a little bit each time they have an episode that they can't get back or go back to. All I could think of was fuck, this is going to be a long life. I also read some comment about teens who had to have restraining orders or one that made a tear fall was a girl who lost her dad to the disease. Which mean he caused it during an episode. 

My mom keeps telling him we need the paper work for a support group. Each time my mom and I are away we talk about some people at her work tell her how strong she is that she can just laugh about. We looked at each other and asked at the same time how else were we suppose to live with it? We can't be sad otherwise we'll just miss out on life and there's no point in being angry. For some reason these are the cards we were dealt and we just have to make the best of the hand.

I've been pretty down the last few day. I don't really like my new schedule. Well take out the 'really'. I don't like it at all. Going back and reading my posts from last winter, I see that I had just about the same attitude. My first 3 hours are sophomore classes so it's all the same people from the last few years so not only are they different teacher but it's the same boring people as past years. 

This summer I am planning different camps. I have basketball camp and band camp, and I have been looking into an Engineering Camp up in the U.P. I am longing for summer. The swimsuits were on the racks at Target today and I wanted to go and look at them, but I got a shirt for track instead. Yes, Yes, I'm going to sign up on Tuesday. No more procrastinating for me. I figure it can only be as hard as basketball, mostly likely, it will be will be easier. Hopefully some of the freshmen I play basketball with will being doing Track because Makenna, Mackenzie, Bri, and Christy all play softball. Jessi had said she was going to run with me but she ran the mile the other day in S&R and when she sat down she commented about not wanting to. Also when I asked if she wanted to go sign up with me on Tuesday she hesitated and changed the subject or something. I figure if I could do basketball alone for about two months before anyone knew, then I can do Track. The only thing about Track is there's a lot more people. There's only 3 more weeks of basketball :( I'm happy but also sad because I have to think about staying on JV next year, I guess if Chet can do it, I can. 

I jammed my finger again at practice on Thursday. I had been sore and the size had gone down, but all hopes of getting my ring to go over it every morning are gone again. It was bruised at the knuckle this morning. And wouldn't you guess my tape is in my locker at school. So my mom bought some more while we were at Target today. I have typed this whole thing with my middle finger and ring finger taped together. 

Well, I've run out of things to talk about.

~Natalie

Sunday Computer Post

I put some new gadgets on here. Don't get your hopes up, it's nothing that will effect you regulars (haha). Anyways, it looks like I post every Sunday the old fashion way, from the website and not my cellular phone. You guys get to hear from me so much more now that I can just text a post. I do that all the time.

So I jinxed it. And that's all I have to say about that.

My moms been bradding my hair for me lately. I like it. It's different. I'm used to having a ponytail for a bun, or having it down, so this way it's out of the way.

I'm not really in the best mood today. I have a cold and my moms at work. My dad was suppose to go away this weekend, but that changed.

Well I have to go before my dad eats my chicken taco in the fridge left over from yesterday's Taco Bell run.

~Nat.

Now I remember how I lost my weight. I didn't eat. This dawned on my a few days ago. My reasoning had been to improve my image in hope he would take me back. But yesterday after that phone call in the kitchen, I knew it was May 30, 2009 the day my daddy didnt come home, that had truely changed me. Now every moment on has changed me as well.

It's been a rough two days.

~nat

Conversations

Have you ever been vacuuming or washing the dishes, those things you do and zone out and start thinking of conversations you would want to have with someone? Conversations where it's just the two of you, and you have every word planned out. It's almost like you have this little scene your creating where it's the two of you in a room with your backs to a locked door. Where you start off on different sides of the room, then one of you grows a pair and makes a smart remark and you slowly start getting closer. Then you both just sit there not looking at each other with your heads rested again the cool wooden door and each sentence said is just out there, not necessarily to the person directly but there the only one there so in a way you said it for only them to hear.

I day dream a lot with the what if's that are manufactured in my head each day. I guess you could say I'm lonely in a way kind of in the in-between I don't really like any one but I don't not like anyone. It sucks. More so because I got my hopes up, but I'll be over it by next week.

I was thinking today how I just ramble on in my head during the day thinking 'this would sound good on my blog' and how cool a video blog would be. I also thought how cool it would be too have readers. HAHA funny, I'm content with talking to no one it fulfills the need just fine. Plus I don't think I would want to hear the negative, because with every positive there's a negative comment too.

-Nat

From where I'm looking now I take back all the thing I said about you because now I think you did what was best. Now that I'm seeing the old you again its clawwing into the grave I barried what we had in and bring back everything. I don't want that it messes with my head. It pulls back not only the memories of you but everything else that has happened. I've moved on, which I'm proud of. I'm a new me and your going back to the old you, but its to late for me to go back. I changed this summer and from this last fall I'm starting to see it more and more. I'm not that tough ass and who was happy at school and lazy at home. I cried at the bus stop this morning over a fight with my dad a >20 word conversation brought me to tears. I run everyday, I'n on a team now. I have friends all over and I'm not treated like shit anymore and I dated the biggest redneck in our class. I made my closest friend I'll ever have this summer and it changed me, shes the closest to my heart and we can say anything to each other. I find my self going to say sonething and then I remember that no one but her would understand.

Well I have finals in the morning so I should get some sleep.
~Natalie

Just got done making cup-cakes for tomorrow, made alot-a-bit of a mess. Tired off to bed. Text.

Have you ever almost cried twice before 7:04 a.m. ? Well its been one of those mornings.

I Hate It

Okay so my new years resolution was to be nicer. I've failed. I've been the biggest bitch ever that last week. I feel pretty bad because I snapped at anything. I decided today that I've just been made at myself and that's why I'm taking my anger out on other people. I've been slipping back to my old ways, with being mean and the bigger thing, eating.

I upset over my weight and it is bugging me all the time. I have to get back to my no pop, and work outs on my own. I need to get back my drive, my mojo. I've been seeing my self loose it more and more. I need to stop, take a step back and start going again on the right path. I believe in myself and I have my support.

My blogger be my witness I want to work towards being at the most 150 by June. I used to make millions of goal to myself and such but I really need to work at this for me. I need to be positive again and believe in myself to do anything I want to do.

Psssp! Don't tell don't want to jinx it but I started talking to someone again and yeah :)

~Nat

Woah!!!!!!!! They waited why to late to call I'd already watched 2 news stations and the radio and had said screw it and I was gonna get up when the snooze went off again! But the phone rang!

Mixed Update

Some nights I feel like I'm 5 years old. I tear up for no reason, cuddle a stuffed dog, and curl up under a blanket that doesn't cover my feet if I'm laying the wrong way. It's sad, but it's what comforts me lately. My mind will start to clear and my stomach loses that's sour ace that tosses around in it most nights.
*deep breath*
It's hard to reassure your best-friend/sister/cousin that her boyfriend likes her more then her likes you. It doesn't help that its the first thing out of everyone's mouth when they find out. Then I have to see the two of them all happy and cuddly and my brother makes a remark when you tell them to stop holding hands while were getting food "That's what you and Trevor did all the time." I'm over him but seriously way to through salt in my wounds that are being picked at by my cousin and best-friend both started dating someone... Did I say mention it's each other?
I lost my necklace. It's stupid because I remember putting it in my bag thinking this isn't safe. Now I can't find it :(
~Nat (that took 7 messages)