5 Month Leave

Why hello, for all of you that actually read this (only spell check), I forgot about this for a while. Not a big deal. That means to be my phrase, "it's not a big deal." So, do we want an update on what is going on now, or a summary of the last 5 months? Let's go with a summary. I gained 20 pounds back. Sucks, I know. I've been working a little at it to try and reverse it, not that hard though. Oh, well. Not that worried, I will just work my ass of in Track. That's right, I didn't try out for basketball... Neither did Mckeena. I probably should have, but oh well. I'll just work twice as hard in Track. The only thing I worry about is my wrist. This summer I injured it some how and it's still not quiet right.

Now for boy drama. Where do I start... Over the summer I started talking to Trevor more. We hung out at the Relay For Life and a little at Home Coming, but he was a jerk. After that I started my factious illusion that I was over him. That landed me into a nasty situation with Zach. Thinking back now, that should have been something I blogged about. Maybe it would have got me to think about more. I wish I wouldn't have done any of that. It makes me sick to think about now. It's almost to the point where it sickens me to be around Zach. He's just so vulgar and manipulative. Hopefully, when the new semester starts on Monday, it will help things. We went way too far, way too fast. It was strange because we really talked and he mellowed out and softened up, that's not the part that I would take back. I just hate what we did to get there. I also hate how strong I have to be just to be around him. He rags on my intelligence and I can't take that. I think that is what is making me resent him so much. Well, after Zach I found a guy that the complete oppisite it just about every way. He was calm, mellow, shy, introverted, nice, thoughtful, suck up, nerd, and had a job & car. I pushed that relationship too much. Also something I should I took a step back and thought about. John was a shy guy. I got him to ask me out, and about two weeks later I got him to kiss me. Many sound typical relationship, until you factor in that after a week of dating John, Trevor weaseled his way in. He told me that he had made a mistake breaking up with me. He said that he had felt this way for around a year and was scared to tell me... GREAT NEWS! If I hadn't just started dating John after pushing so hard for that relationship and talking to him so long before I wouldn't just break up with him and jump into my past. I dated him for a little over a month. He was a very sweet guy. He payed for everything, except my smoothie the day I broke up with him. John, just like Jon, got me an nice piece of jewelry after only dating a month. He gave me a pretty necklace. I gave it back when we broke up, he text me later saying I didn't have to do that but what's done is done. Three days after I broke up with John; Adam, Nessa, Trev, and me went to the movies. Trev agreed to come with us before he even knew I was single. Strange, I know. We reconnected that night, almost like when we were innocent freshman in 2009. It felt like a dream. I had had so many just like that night. After that we hung out a few more times until Trev got sick. Then died, just kidding. That sounded like what would have been coming in a depressing fiction novel. That's not what's happening though. He's sick right now, and when he's sick he won't go anywhere near me. But we hung out on MLK day, and he kissed me forehead. I started thinking too much this week, and I talked to Zach about it on Tuesday (Now known as Zach Day) and he was very negative about it, but I always ignore his opinion. He doesn't think I should go back to an ex-boyfriend. He says all the same problems will be there this time that were there last time. I think he's right, but that we will be mature enough to talk about them this time. So to work on being more mature, I simply asked Trev if he was giving the cold shoulder. He reassured me that he isn't, that he hasn't felt well, and he want to act 'normal' at school. I told him 'normal' is lame, and that I took it as cold shoulder because we don't talk. His reasoning was because one have one class together and we don't sit together in that class. In my opinion though, I think he would at least say hi to me in that class while we stand around at the end of class. Or he can make eye contact with me if catch eyes. I don't know. I'm known for expecting too much out of a guy. Oh, well. Well see. We have the same lunch, so he has no excuse now :P He's been busy the last few weekends and he's still on antibiotics, so he doesn't like to hang out when he's sick because he's paranoid about getting me sick. It feels like a dream or at some times a chick flick. I don't want to push anything. At times I feel like it's so fragile, that if I blink for too long or sleep too long that I will look around and it will all have been a dream or see every thing shattered.

Well that's about all I have to say about that. I'm sure I could add much more, but I don't want to go into detail. I'm working on that. Not telling everyone everything. I'm doing some what good on this. I guess.

Well good night. Oh, and my new thing to do is to send a quote to my 1o people every night. I've been doing it since October.

Night,

Nat

Going to try something new. I'm going to make my own cake, with fondant. I have no clue how it's going to turn out. I'm going to buy it pre-made from Wal-Mart, Meijers, Michael's, some place like that. I still haven't quite decided what it's going to look like though. I've got a few ideas, but nothing solid.

Mini-Vacation

I just got back from a mini-vacation. It was amazing. I didn't even feel like we were in the same state. It was great. 

Thought I would share some photos.

85 degrees

Award Winning Photo

From Up in a Light House

Self explanatory

Anyway, it was a lot of fun, and laughing. Currently it's pouring outside and I'm eating a Hersey's bar that melted and I put in the fridge. It no longer has the logo on it. It's strange how it doesn't even taste the same. I'm starting to get nerves about my birthday party. Before I sent out the invites I didn't even care. Now, I'm nerves. 

Well, that's it.

Nata

Depressing?

I looked back at some of my old posts... I'm a very depressing person. Maybe I only looked at posts that at certain tags, but still. I guess I only really post when I'm sad. When I'm happy there's no need to post.

I woke up this morning and something was wrong. I could feel it. The second my brother got upstairs he solved it. My dad was still at the house. On a Monday. When he has a job.  Still it's a temp job, and he makes more on unemployment, but still. It pinched my heart. I still feel a little upset about it. We're up north now, so it will allow my mom to straighten out what she need to straighten out. Why can't life just be plain and simple. Ugh. It just takes too much out of me to thing about.

Bye

No More Laughing Out Loud

I got this sweet new gadget. I can update my blog from it. I don't have to login through the website. Just right here on my desktop. Moving on!
Last night, Baileigh tried to get who Trev liked out of him. He wouldn't let her. Surprise, surprise. He didn't deny liking me but he didn't say he did. I think through out that day today I have mustered up the guts to ask him flat out. I'm nearly dead set on it. But, I'm slowly leaking out my confidence... I want him to be at my birthday party. If things get weird he won't come. We talked for like two hours last night online. I just need the guts to ask him myself, to end my confusion. I don't want to hear his answer though. I do, but I don't. I only want to hear it if it's what I want to hear. Anyway, Baileigh talking to him only screwed with my head. It got him to IM me first though. I know, I know. Moving on!
I have two new goals to focus on. Goal #1: To never used the acronym "lol." After I sucsessfully do that for a little while, I will try to not use them at all. I feel like it will help with my speech and my communication skills. I think it will help me carry out conversations better. Using it now makes me thing of someone who is immature and uneducated. Nessa and Adam use it way to much, so now evey time I use it it sickens me. Therefore, I'm not going to use it. Goal #2: It is a little less envasice. I'm making it a goal not to use the A/C in the van as much. I'm going to be driving that the most when I get my liscence. My neighbor said if you don't use the A/C much it will last longer. So, I'm not going to use it. (Ah, just nearly used "lol" while IMing. Backspaced it though.)
Anywho!
That's about it for now.

Kiss. Kiss. (haha)

Natalie

A Long Update

I planned on writing a really long rant. I did, really. After I had to log in though, I lost it. I no longer felt like it.

So, quite outline. Still like the same person, which sucks ass. I don't want to go to basketball, but my mom says we paid the money I'm going. Therefore, I have to suffer through it. I don't even know if I plan on trying out this year. Maybe I can join some work out class. I could get a job instead of a sport in the fall and winter. Then only do Track in the spring. I love track. It's great. It also makes basketball look like a lot of work... and confusion. Anyway that's a ways away.

I wish I could be up north... It's killing me that Nessa is up there sleeping in my bed. Ugh. It drives me up a wall that I'm here fretting about basketball and she's up there tubing without me. It just bothers me. That has always been my thing to stay up there with GG. I guess she needs a chance too, but still. All she does it whine about missing Adam and my brother. "Brandon doesn't know what no means." That got under my skin. Also, when she put it as her status that, "I'm going to cry to get everything I want." The post got me pretty fired up. I even commented on it... But I deleted it. I didn't want to start any fights.

On a better note, I get to go back up north after Brian's graduation party. Band camp was postponed, so now I can go back up north sooner. My mom says I'm not going to band camp if it's the week she has off of work. If they schedule it then she says I'm just not going. Works for me. They can't require us to go if they don't give us a fair amount of time before.

Also, my dad got a job through a Temp Agency. His unemployment ran out and they didn't know if they were going to renew it. So, now he has a temp job.

This turned out be some what lengthy after all. I tried to not repeat myself much. To make it more flowing. I put a lot of fragments in there too. Opps.

Nat

My New Theroy

So my new way to get over him is to forget about the memories and remember new ones as friends. If it goes a different way then cool, if not well were just friends. I'm ready to find someone new. So, I think I'm going to go to my church group thing on Sunday nights. I know that's bad to go to a church to meet new guys but, I think if it helps heal my heart then I think God will understand.

I also need to go back to my 'lifestyle change' before I start putting even more pounds back on. This summer I know I'll be strict again.

Today I looked at all the people prom pictures on Facebook. I'm excited for my prom next year. I hope Nessa and Adam stay together, so we can go to prom together. :) That would be so much fun. :) Here are some of the dresses I've been looking at today. Only the unique ones. When I go to prom they won't be anything like these. Mine will be cheaper. :)

Girls Are Smart, Guys Are Dumb

I need an inside man. I need someone to help settle this once and for all. Yet... The last few days I really don't want to know... Guys are so stupid. They send freaking mixed signals. I am driving myself nuts over this. I want to know... and I want it to be to my benefit.

I've got myself some new friends. They crack me up, all of them. My track friends are crazy perverts that creep me out, but they are so much fun. Also, this guy Zach. He cracks me up. He makes my day so much brighter. We skipped down the hallway with linked arms the other day. Marissa and I are his hoes. He walks down the hall with his arms around our shoulders.

I think our school need to do like the Amish village in my book and swap guys with another school. I just want to meet a new amazing guy, that's single, crazy, smart, ambitious, nice, upfront, spontaneous, and it would be a added bonus if he could drive. :) Oh and don't forget a cutie. :p There's slim pickin's at my school. Either they are jerks, stupid, ugly, your ex, still stinging it out with an ex, or too shy to make a move.

I'm a dreamer lately, bare with me. I'm sure I'll get over him again soon. If only...

Natalie

I got in :)

I got the WIE scholarship at MTU.

Today was pretty good. Things are in the in-between right now.I'm not happy, but I'm not sad. Some changes are being made and trying to settle into them.

I haven't really felt like writing. I promise I'm write more as soon as I feel like it.

Until my next update,
Nat

We Are Freaks

So guess where I went tonight... Wrong... Wrong... Wrong again. Trevor Murray's house. I know! We called up his mom to take over the book worms we make for her classes and we went over to drop them off. His mom deiced we were going to have ice cream so she left my bother, Trev, and Me alone, and went to Frank's with my mom. We had fun. We had ice cream sundaes. Then my brother and him played PS3 and I sat between them... I played keep away with his hat. :) We flirted like mad while we played NBA and NHL. He wasn't even paying attention to the NBA game and got beat by ten to my brother... He had been talking with me. :)

I text him when we got home saying we got home alive, we talked about stuff, but I think he fell asleep. He keeps saying he was coming over tomorrow for a hair cut... I hope so. ;) I'm babysitting Billoli's brother at 2, so I told him before then. I hope he seriously does. I'm falling for that boy again.

Spring Break

I am pretending that I am in Florida. I even packed for 'Florida.' I have a few dressing and some summery outfits to wear. I have to say my sunglasses never leave my head either. We're on a 'stay-cation.' It's only two hours from home but I doesn't feel like it. We went down to the pool last night and enjoyed the hot tubs. They have an indoor and an outdoor one. We tested out both of them.

Right now I'm laying across the bed enjoying the piece and quiet while my brother is down at the pool. When they get back up here we're headed to the buffet for brunch. GG got some comp. last night we we have $50 to put towards a meal. We're thinking of putting my brother in the daycare while we go eat because he got buffet breakfast so all he would be doing is fussing to leave. They have a supervised arcade where you can send your kid in for an hour for like $6. It's a deal.

Well, my shoulders are getting tired from typing like this, so tata for now.

P.S. Mrs. Bromley needs to grade some more papers so my grade will go up (Ms. Kovach, too).

New Templete

Blogger has done a great job with there new layouts. I love it . It was very user friendly and they are actually backgrounds I like. Now I don't have to import my layouts. I also don't have to redo my gadgets every time I redo my template.

I had planned on writing a long post but this computer does not seem to be agreeing with my and lagging very bad. So I think I have just update you all. (haha)

My mystery man is no longer a mystery. Billy Billoli let everyone know at lunch. Now I get funny looks when I talk to him from them. As well a Makeena not shutting up about it all other times of the day,

We had to run around town on Friday. Oh there, I closed two tabs and now the computer's fine. Anyway, it was the longest thing ever my god. My calves killed. I think it's from the type of heel my new shoes have. So I stretched whenever we stopped. We had to slow down to a walk so many times because of two girls in our group of 6 couldn't keep up because of this we came in last. We did get pop-sickles when we got back to the school. We have pictures Monday and our first meet is Tuesday. Right now I am looking up shot-put technique videos. haha. Some are just people doing there glide. Some look like mine, which are never good.

It is now 2 AM and my internet is uncapped until 7 AM. Yay.

I went to Nessa's yesterday and we went to ZAP Zone. It was amazing I kicked butt. I came in 2nd, 1st, and 7th. I was fun to be over and Nessa's on not be constantly reminded of my problems. My idiotic mother did not relize that I did actully want to stay another night and was having Nessa ask. So tonight once we got home and I was getting the computer from her she asked me, "So did you really want to stay the night again?" I was livid. I made a few smart remarks and walked out of her room. So here I sit on my bed with the laptop on my lap with a knot in the back of my throat holding back the tears that I have made a habit of crying each night. During the day I rarely feel the need to cry but as soon as the lights are off in my room my breath catches and I let out many silent sobs to God.

Well that's all for tonight.

Nat

Sorry it decied to send in 11 different posts.

Well I'm torn between old and new. My mystery man, which is not much of a mystery anymore, and my weakness...him. I let myself fall again the other day. My guard completly down, as if I hadn't worked the last year on building it up... I can only imagine how pathetic I looked. Not only did I let my guard down, I spilt my guts. No, not about having feelings for him but why my dad is the way he is... He made a remark and I imagine he got a different answer then he was expecting... Billy found out who my mystery man is today. It's not like I hide it. My mother and brother are trying to guess who I like, they've said his name twice, but I told them no. They don't suspect it at all. I also told them I'm not going to tell them when they're right.

I can hear water falling from the roof left from the rain earlier today. I love it when it rains, it's my favorite thing. One day it would be interesting to kiss in the rain. I can see myself in the rain, all romantic-like, but I picture who I'm with.

I wonder if Billy would be able to do some digging for me this time, unlike last time. He was so reluntant to find out who it was. I wonder if he wants to hook us up just as bad, probably.

My home life is falling to pieces for a 3rd time. This time I'm not just playing along. I'm not encouraging it this time, a new approch. I know it won't fix it but I need a new way to deal with it myself. It's hurting me to. It kills me when I think how I'm stronger then my father.

Well I've said enough tonight,
ohhhh thunder I love spring.
Nat

OMG! I just put my application in the envelope and licked it shut! All it needs now is a stamp :)

Track tomorrow afterschool... Ahh.

I tawnted Billy with me liking a mystery man today. It was fun. He couln't guess who it was, and really I don't want to think about it.

I'm gonna die tomorrow... Ahh. Night.
~Nat

New Guys

We got more new guys today. One is in my LA class and one is in my S&R. The one in S&R isnt ever cute but hes nice. The one in LA is cute; I don't know if he's nice. Maybe I'll make a new friends. haha. I kinda am interested in someone, but I don't want to use the phrase 'like'. Pipe dreams.

Jessi and I were dying today. It was halrious. I don't think I've laughed that hard since New Years with Jessi. I was fun. We made fools of ourselves but we could careless.

Nighy Night
Nat

Suppose to be from my cell...

Uhhh. My head feels mangled, twisted, torn. I feels as though it is being filled and stepped repeatedly. I'm setting myself up for heart brake. It's killing me. I feel drained by the end of the day, from this mental war I'm fighting. I feel as though I'm reanacting freshman year. If I am the crash is coming soon. If only... But I need to face the facts. He dumped me. Last year at that. As Sam puts it "oh, oh, that's bad. You need to just forget him and move on." He's right, I do; and yet, I'm not. I just wish there was some other guy to take my mind off of him. But I want to be with someone smart, but funny, as well as cute, snd nice. So basicly the few there are at Grass Lake. I want that one... Every guy is forever going to be put into a vantiagram vs. Trevor. It's just how my brain works.

I'm so nerves for track. I'm out of shape again. Everyone else is going to know what they want to run and I won't. It's going to be like b-ball all over again. Hopefully I get just as lucky with a coach as I did with Fabor, he's in a way like the dad I picture.

I was kind of sad today. Twice today, I had the thought, "what would everyone do if I just started balling."
Well I'm going to go back to reading. Night.

~Nat

I Hate Billy Billoli

So I've cracked. I have to take things into my own hands. I'm going to. It's scaring me thinking about it. But, I can't wait around again. I'm not the same girl that did before. Last night at the dance I feel like things changed between us again. Or at least I hope so... If only I could telepathically get him to do something...

I went to track meeting on Wednesday. It was scary. Haha.

My moms trying to make things better. It's not working. He's an idiot. Who need to like go back to high school again or something. Seriously I think my brain is more developed and hes 44 or something.

Natalie

Depressing

Wow, I'm depressing. No wonder no one comments. (or that fact that no one reads it haha) I was reading my old blog and I was much more up beat. I guess this family of mine is just constantly pulling me in all directions and I get spread too thin some days. I have to be the peace makers, the one who puts the baby to bed. Well, I guess he's not a baby anymore. I find myself calling him Boogs, short for boogers, instead of Babe. 

Billy Billoli turned my world upside down. I get a pit in the bottom of my stomach just thinking about it. Still enjoying my good mood. It's just taring me apart. I don't know if I should leave the past in the past, or pick up some pieces. Oh, I want to pick up the pieces so bad. I guess this is something I used to talk to Michael Bice about, but I don't get on AIM anymore so I don't talk to him. I don't really want to. Like my mom said, "You don't really want to go though telling everyone again." And I don't. Ah, how I long for Billy to get back to me. I swear that boy! I just can't keep it out of my mind. I'm going to get crushed. I just know it, and yet... 

Crazy woman who is taring down her walls of protection,

Natalie

(I accidentally posted this to my old one! I went to re-read it while I was editing and changing things and it wasn't there! I found it thought. Haha!)

Billy Billoli

I have sinned. It's bitter sweet. I know I should not me be thinking this but I can't help it. Billoli is talking to someone... and it's got me all hyper. I mentioned to him that I would take that boy back in a heartbeat and he said 'don't do anything stupid'. All because I was talking about being alone on Valentine's Day. I love my neighbor. We're going to do track together, only if he parents okay it though... So well see. 

I hyper now. I should not be getting me hopes up, but it's put me in this great mood. So if I get a little hurt well at least I go a few things accomplished while I am in this mood.

~Natalie