No More Laughing Out Loud

I got this sweet new gadget. I can update my blog from it. I don't have to login through the website. Just right here on my desktop. Moving on!
Last night, Baileigh tried to get who Trev liked out of him. He wouldn't let her. Surprise, surprise. He didn't deny liking me but he didn't say he did. I think through out that day today I have mustered up the guts to ask him flat out. I'm nearly dead set on it. But, I'm slowly leaking out my confidence... I want him to be at my birthday party. If things get weird he won't come. We talked for like two hours last night online. I just need the guts to ask him myself, to end my confusion. I don't want to hear his answer though. I do, but I don't. I only want to hear it if it's what I want to hear. Anyway, Baileigh talking to him only screwed with my head. It got him to IM me first though. I know, I know. Moving on!
I have two new goals to focus on. Goal #1: To never used the acronym "lol." After I sucsessfully do that for a little while, I will try to not use them at all. I feel like it will help with my speech and my communication skills. I think it will help me carry out conversations better. Using it now makes me thing of someone who is immature and uneducated. Nessa and Adam use it way to much, so now evey time I use it it sickens me. Therefore, I'm not going to use it. Goal #2: It is a little less envasice. I'm making it a goal not to use the A/C in the van as much. I'm going to be driving that the most when I get my liscence. My neighbor said if you don't use the A/C much it will last longer. So, I'm not going to use it. (Ah, just nearly used "lol" while IMing. Backspaced it though.)
Anywho!
That's about it for now.

Kiss. Kiss. (haha)

Natalie

Billy Billoli

I have sinned. It's bitter sweet. I know I should not me be thinking this but I can't help it. Billoli is talking to someone... and it's got me all hyper. I mentioned to him that I would take that boy back in a heartbeat and he said 'don't do anything stupid'. All because I was talking about being alone on Valentine's Day. I love my neighbor. We're going to do track together, only if he parents okay it though... So well see. 

I hyper now. I should not be getting me hopes up, but it's put me in this great mood. So if I get a little hurt well at least I go a few things accomplished while I am in this mood.

~Natalie

Conversations

Have you ever been vacuuming or washing the dishes, those things you do and zone out and start thinking of conversations you would want to have with someone? Conversations where it's just the two of you, and you have every word planned out. It's almost like you have this little scene your creating where it's the two of you in a room with your backs to a locked door. Where you start off on different sides of the room, then one of you grows a pair and makes a smart remark and you slowly start getting closer. Then you both just sit there not looking at each other with your heads rested again the cool wooden door and each sentence said is just out there, not necessarily to the person directly but there the only one there so in a way you said it for only them to hear.

I day dream a lot with the what if's that are manufactured in my head each day. I guess you could say I'm lonely in a way kind of in the in-between I don't really like any one but I don't not like anyone. It sucks. More so because I got my hopes up, but I'll be over it by next week.

I was thinking today how I just ramble on in my head during the day thinking 'this would sound good on my blog' and how cool a video blog would be. I also thought how cool it would be too have readers. HAHA funny, I'm content with talking to no one it fulfills the need just fine. Plus I don't think I would want to hear the negative, because with every positive there's a negative comment too.

-Nat

From where I'm looking now I take back all the thing I said about you because now I think you did what was best. Now that I'm seeing the old you again its clawwing into the grave I barried what we had in and bring back everything. I don't want that it messes with my head. It pulls back not only the memories of you but everything else that has happened. I've moved on, which I'm proud of. I'm a new me and your going back to the old you, but its to late for me to go back. I changed this summer and from this last fall I'm starting to see it more and more. I'm not that tough ass and who was happy at school and lazy at home. I cried at the bus stop this morning over a fight with my dad a >20 word conversation brought me to tears. I run everyday, I'n on a team now. I have friends all over and I'm not treated like shit anymore and I dated the biggest redneck in our class. I made my closest friend I'll ever have this summer and it changed me, shes the closest to my heart and we can say anything to each other. I find my self going to say sonething and then I remember that no one but her would understand.

Well I have finals in the morning so I should get some sleep.
~Natalie

Brian just left again he came over before and after practice lol. Nessa and Jake are over.

Breath in, take it slow, never look back, and let the haters fall in step behind you.

Please Don't Tell On Me... I'll Marry You

"I'm telling!" She whispered to him as they sat on the floor and pulled off their shoes one at a time with both hands.

"No, don't," he pleaded blocking her way to the door. She stood up and walked over to him.

"I'm telling!" She pouted her lips and crossed her arms across her chest.

"No, it was an accident. Don't tell on me," he spread his arms out so a hand was placed on each side of the doorway.

"You still did it!"

"No, don't... I'll marry you!" He said smoothly.

"Okay," she stated as she strutted by him now that his arms had fell to his sides.

Innocent, yet meaningful relationships at the age of six. They can say anything and neither of them know the true meaning of what they're promising to each other or calling it each other. They sit at the kitchen table and laugh at each others cake mustaches. One will be going to the bathroom while the other one stand in the same bathroom doorway and screams to mom asking if they can blow up water balloons in the bathroom.

When do the relationships become so complex? When you learn that married is what your parents are? When you learn that you don't always just go to the hospital because you are physically hurt?

When does that little kid innocence go away? Do you just wake up one day and it's gone? I don't remember when love turned into such a big word for me, or when girls and guys couldn't be left alone together even if they have to intention of doing anything wrong.

Why did the process of getting older get named 'growing up'. Why didn't they call it 'changing slowing' or 'becoming different'.

Life should just be called changing instead of life because thats all everything does is change. Values changes, the meaning of words change, education changes, your height, your weight, your brain, your hands, everything changes. Your heart changes the most though. It at some times in your life is huge and you can be so happy and open to everything and everyone. But then a later you look back and raise an eye brow and try to recall the feeling of being that happy, and being so open. It's a cycle. Big, small, broken, shattered, torn, huge, normal. It no wonder that people have heart failure, think of how much your heart goes though, both of your hearts the one in your mind that is made up of to archs and a point and the one in your chest made of cardiac muscles and blood.

Change, its life.

Everyone is always changing, it all comes down to what conidion your hearts are in when you question if you were meant to be in each others lives.