Girls Are Smart, Guys Are Dumb

I need an inside man. I need someone to help settle this once and for all. Yet... The last few days I really don't want to know... Guys are so stupid. They send freaking mixed signals. I am driving myself nuts over this. I want to know... and I want it to be to my benefit.

I've got myself some new friends. They crack me up, all of them. My track friends are crazy perverts that creep me out, but they are so much fun. Also, this guy Zach. He cracks me up. He makes my day so much brighter. We skipped down the hallway with linked arms the other day. Marissa and I are his hoes. He walks down the hall with his arms around our shoulders.

I think our school need to do like the Amish village in my book and swap guys with another school. I just want to meet a new amazing guy, that's single, crazy, smart, ambitious, nice, upfront, spontaneous, and it would be a added bonus if he could drive. :) Oh and don't forget a cutie. :p There's slim pickin's at my school. Either they are jerks, stupid, ugly, your ex, still stinging it out with an ex, or too shy to make a move.

I'm a dreamer lately, bare with me. I'm sure I'll get over him again soon. If only...

Natalie

New Templete

Blogger has done a great job with there new layouts. I love it . It was very user friendly and they are actually backgrounds I like. Now I don't have to import my layouts. I also don't have to redo my gadgets every time I redo my template.

I had planned on writing a long post but this computer does not seem to be agreeing with my and lagging very bad. So I think I have just update you all. (haha)

My mystery man is no longer a mystery. Billy Billoli let everyone know at lunch. Now I get funny looks when I talk to him from them. As well a Makeena not shutting up about it all other times of the day,

We had to run around town on Friday. Oh there, I closed two tabs and now the computer's fine. Anyway, it was the longest thing ever my god. My calves killed. I think it's from the type of heel my new shoes have. So I stretched whenever we stopped. We had to slow down to a walk so many times because of two girls in our group of 6 couldn't keep up because of this we came in last. We did get pop-sickles when we got back to the school. We have pictures Monday and our first meet is Tuesday. Right now I am looking up shot-put technique videos. haha. Some are just people doing there glide. Some look like mine, which are never good.

It is now 2 AM and my internet is uncapped until 7 AM. Yay.

I went to Nessa's yesterday and we went to ZAP Zone. It was amazing I kicked butt. I came in 2nd, 1st, and 7th. I was fun to be over and Nessa's on not be constantly reminded of my problems. My idiotic mother did not relize that I did actully want to stay another night and was having Nessa ask. So tonight once we got home and I was getting the computer from her she asked me, "So did you really want to stay the night again?" I was livid. I made a few smart remarks and walked out of her room. So here I sit on my bed with the laptop on my lap with a knot in the back of my throat holding back the tears that I have made a habit of crying each night. During the day I rarely feel the need to cry but as soon as the lights are off in my room my breath catches and I let out many silent sobs to God.

Well that's all for tonight.

Nat

Sorry it decied to send in 11 different posts.

Well I'm torn between old and new. My mystery man, which is not much of a mystery anymore, and my weakness...him. I let myself fall again the other day. My guard completly down, as if I hadn't worked the last year on building it up... I can only imagine how pathetic I looked. Not only did I let my guard down, I spilt my guts. No, not about having feelings for him but why my dad is the way he is... He made a remark and I imagine he got a different answer then he was expecting... Billy found out who my mystery man is today. It's not like I hide it. My mother and brother are trying to guess who I like, they've said his name twice, but I told them no. They don't suspect it at all. I also told them I'm not going to tell them when they're right.

I can hear water falling from the roof left from the rain earlier today. I love it when it rains, it's my favorite thing. One day it would be interesting to kiss in the rain. I can see myself in the rain, all romantic-like, but I picture who I'm with.

I wonder if Billy would be able to do some digging for me this time, unlike last time. He was so reluntant to find out who it was. I wonder if he wants to hook us up just as bad, probably.

My home life is falling to pieces for a 3rd time. This time I'm not just playing along. I'm not encouraging it this time, a new approch. I know it won't fix it but I need a new way to deal with it myself. It's hurting me to. It kills me when I think how I'm stronger then my father.

Well I've said enough tonight,
ohhhh thunder I love spring.
Nat

New Guys

We got more new guys today. One is in my LA class and one is in my S&R. The one in S&R isnt ever cute but hes nice. The one in LA is cute; I don't know if he's nice. Maybe I'll make a new friends. haha. I kinda am interested in someone, but I don't want to use the phrase 'like'. Pipe dreams.

Jessi and I were dying today. It was halrious. I don't think I've laughed that hard since New Years with Jessi. I was fun. We made fools of ourselves but we could careless.

Nighy Night
Nat

Suppose to be from my cell...

Uhhh. My head feels mangled, twisted, torn. I feels as though it is being filled and stepped repeatedly. I'm setting myself up for heart brake. It's killing me. I feel drained by the end of the day, from this mental war I'm fighting. I feel as though I'm reanacting freshman year. If I am the crash is coming soon. If only... But I need to face the facts. He dumped me. Last year at that. As Sam puts it "oh, oh, that's bad. You need to just forget him and move on." He's right, I do; and yet, I'm not. I just wish there was some other guy to take my mind off of him. But I want to be with someone smart, but funny, as well as cute, snd nice. So basicly the few there are at Grass Lake. I want that one... Every guy is forever going to be put into a vantiagram vs. Trevor. It's just how my brain works.

I'm so nerves for track. I'm out of shape again. Everyone else is going to know what they want to run and I won't. It's going to be like b-ball all over again. Hopefully I get just as lucky with a coach as I did with Fabor, he's in a way like the dad I picture.

I was kind of sad today. Twice today, I had the thought, "what would everyone do if I just started balling."
Well I'm going to go back to reading. Night.

~Nat

I Hate Billy Billoli

So I've cracked. I have to take things into my own hands. I'm going to. It's scaring me thinking about it. But, I can't wait around again. I'm not the same girl that did before. Last night at the dance I feel like things changed between us again. Or at least I hope so... If only I could telepathically get him to do something...

I went to track meeting on Wednesday. It was scary. Haha.

My moms trying to make things better. It's not working. He's an idiot. Who need to like go back to high school again or something. Seriously I think my brain is more developed and hes 44 or something.

Natalie

Depressing

Wow, I'm depressing. No wonder no one comments. (or that fact that no one reads it haha) I was reading my old blog and I was much more up beat. I guess this family of mine is just constantly pulling me in all directions and I get spread too thin some days. I have to be the peace makers, the one who puts the baby to bed. Well, I guess he's not a baby anymore. I find myself calling him Boogs, short for boogers, instead of Babe. 

Billy Billoli turned my world upside down. I get a pit in the bottom of my stomach just thinking about it. Still enjoying my good mood. It's just taring me apart. I don't know if I should leave the past in the past, or pick up some pieces. Oh, I want to pick up the pieces so bad. I guess this is something I used to talk to Michael Bice about, but I don't get on AIM anymore so I don't talk to him. I don't really want to. Like my mom said, "You don't really want to go though telling everyone again." And I don't. Ah, how I long for Billy to get back to me. I swear that boy! I just can't keep it out of my mind. I'm going to get crushed. I just know it, and yet... 

Crazy woman who is taring down her walls of protection,

Natalie

(I accidentally posted this to my old one! I went to re-read it while I was editing and changing things and it wasn't there! I found it thought. Haha!)

Billy Billoli

I have sinned. It's bitter sweet. I know I should not me be thinking this but I can't help it. Billoli is talking to someone... and it's got me all hyper. I mentioned to him that I would take that boy back in a heartbeat and he said 'don't do anything stupid'. All because I was talking about being alone on Valentine's Day. I love my neighbor. We're going to do track together, only if he parents okay it though... So well see. 

I hyper now. I should not be getting me hopes up, but it's put me in this great mood. So if I get a little hurt well at least I go a few things accomplished while I am in this mood.

~Natalie

School

So school has started. I have to say it's the strangest year ever. Its just natural yet awkward. It may be because I'm dragging my heals and denying it in my head that school has started. I'm finally expecting that facts.

I keep getting asked who I like... I don't know. I like Cody a little bit. He doesn't like me though. He still flirts with me though online. But I know he doesn't like me. Erin says I got hit on today. By JT. It was stand, I was waiting for someone to laugh and pay him $5. Then with KJ that was funny. It shut Brandon (I think thats his name) up real fast.

I ran a mile today in 8:55. It beat Adam's time but he has a stuffed up nose so he did worse then he would normally. I did shitty though. I had to stop and walk. I think it was more of a mental thing. I thought about it way to much and payed to much attention to my breathing. So I was like 'I need to stop' 'I can't make it'. I like that Ruel tell us were going good. He's an awesome teacher.

My family is driving me insane. Dad loosing his job sucks. He's home ALL the time. And we already budded heads when he was working. Now we're always going at it. And I have to just be like 'whatever. I'm not having this conversation'.

There's just something quick for me to vent.

Every once an' a while

There are certain things you do every so often to remind yourself that you still can. Well at least I do. Sometimes they make a large impact and sometimes nothing changes. Like when I flirt with a guy and get him to like me or when I update on blogger. One will have that guy around for a while and one will be out dated after a day or two. 

Mike says he really likes me... I don't want another Jon. He's really sweet always talking about how a girl should be treated, and what he does to guys that treat woman badly. This relationship reminds me so much of Jon and I. Maybe it's just because were also getting to know each other better by texting then we'll hang out more when I get home. The only thing is... he's 17. I don't think I could to that. I was freaked out enough when I was with a 14 year old having my first kiss. So I think I've decided I won't date Mike. It would be to much pressure. He should be with girls his own age, or at least closer. I want to stay young, and carefree-ish in a relationship were I can be myself and know that the guy doesn't want to go far either. 

ANY WAY MOVING ON... I started drivers  ed. We only had two days this week M & Tue. 10-noon. Its pretty awkward, but learning is easy. The teacher lady is nice, she's easy going, she likes to tell stories which is cool. She likes to call on me though. We have a kid from Mackinaw Island in our class, he has to leave the Island at 7 on a ferry, then take a bus. We also have a kid from Poland! Hes got a VERY unique name and a cool accent, hes here for a month. We have one girl from Kalamazoo, and one from Detroit area, 3 from Onaway, and like 2 from St. Ignace, then the rest from Cheboygan. I think there are like 30 or less all together. We had to have name tags on our desk today and yesterday we had to have a partner and introduce them. We had to ask them their Name, School, Intrests, and a Driving Concern. I got this Austin kid. Hes really cute, like jock cute. Hes nice too. The whole classes is really quiet the teacher jokes that were so tiered. I had this REALLY hyper girl in front  of me today. She like wouldn't shut up she was like the only one in the class that was loud. She like called to people to say hi. I was standing back kinda at brake and she backed into and stepped on me foot. She was like sorry sorry sorry, I just mumbled that it was fine. Then when she walked by me later she knocked my name tag off on accident and was all worried. Shes a weird one.

I didn't run today. I swam and kayaked though. I think I'll run while GG's gone tomorrow. I gone running once by myself and I like it. I took my ipod and it wasn't that bad. I have a pattern. Tomorrow I think I'm ganna run all the way to the Foote Beach, then chill there and then run back. It's not really a run but a jog. It sounds better to call it a run.

I am so fried from the water the other day. My back is like raw. Today we floated on tubes in lake the tops of my legs got burnt but it doesnt sting like my back does after my every move.

Got to do arm work out tomorrow at Memeres

Nat

Being Active

So... I got on Wii Fit last night for the first time in 358 days, I know impressive. Not really but what is impressive is that I have lost 22.7 pounds. I was shocked. I knew I had lost some but not that much I am now 166. It's so awesome. My family and other people keep telling me that I look better. 

Since we are out of P.E. I want to stay active, because lets face it I have a lot more to lose. So every night I have been doing 20 crunches and 20 full sit-ups, and if i feel like it 10 push-ups. I have been trying to do some type of jogging or running everyday. Saturday I chased after Adam, so that counts a little. But yesterday I ran for 10 minutes on 6 mph. Yeah doesn't sound much but you do it then we'll talk. Today Nessa and I tried out jogging... lets just say thats something that I will have to do alone for a little while then walk with her later. It felt so good to jog like that it's probably called running but I'm calling it jogging.  

The neighbors are a little older then us one is probably only a couple years but I think one is like 4 years older. I don't know we just keep casually taking that way for our walks to check them out while they're playing hockey, we call it our heterosexual route... Jake won't walk with us anymore. 

I texted with Mike last night he's nice. I don't know, were like half flirting half just talking. I don't right now I just talk to him for someone to talk too. We talked for like four hours last night. I asked Billy today what Jena thought about the other night, he said she had fun and that Mike had fun too. I was like yeah I've been texting with him. Billy's all like and??? I'm like and what? He's wanting to know what we talk about, normally if I could tell him verbally I would tell Billy all about it, but I just told him that Mike was asking when I was having people over again. Then Billy went on about if Joe had been there, then told me he had to go take a shower. 

We have to go get sponsors tomorrow with our other cousin Sara who lives up here. She's going to be on the Wanigan too this year, so is Zach. Me and Nessa don't really like Sara but we're ganna try hard and have a a fresh start with her this year. We have to dress all up for it. Oh well it's worth it.

Another emotionless post, but I don't feel like putting effort in to it so get over it.

I am making it a goal not to say 'lol' on blogger.

Fire Firday

Hair B-Gone

My fire was so much fun. I met some new people, Mike and Jena. Mike is pretty cool, we've been texting. He's pretty nice, we're like half flirting/talking, it's kinda weird, I don't care he was interesting to text with on my car ride today. I have no idea what his last name is or how old he is. He's cute though so it makes up for it. There are a lot of stories that I could tell about the fire and how it made it as one of the top on my list of  parties. There was awkwardness and fun times and fuckin' hilarious times. I don't feel like telling about it. I'm in a weird mood, so I don't feel like typing much, your lucky you got this much. Check out the video, good times, good times.

I love the little emotion I had in this when I read it back over.

Please Don't Tell On Me... I'll Marry You

"I'm telling!" She whispered to him as they sat on the floor and pulled off their shoes one at a time with both hands.

"No, don't," he pleaded blocking her way to the door. She stood up and walked over to him.

"I'm telling!" She pouted her lips and crossed her arms across her chest.

"No, it was an accident. Don't tell on me," he spread his arms out so a hand was placed on each side of the doorway.

"You still did it!"

"No, don't... I'll marry you!" He said smoothly.

"Okay," she stated as she strutted by him now that his arms had fell to his sides.

Innocent, yet meaningful relationships at the age of six. They can say anything and neither of them know the true meaning of what they're promising to each other or calling it each other. They sit at the kitchen table and laugh at each others cake mustaches. One will be going to the bathroom while the other one stand in the same bathroom doorway and screams to mom asking if they can blow up water balloons in the bathroom.

When do the relationships become so complex? When you learn that married is what your parents are? When you learn that you don't always just go to the hospital because you are physically hurt?

When does that little kid innocence go away? Do you just wake up one day and it's gone? I don't remember when love turned into such a big word for me, or when girls and guys couldn't be left alone together even if they have to intention of doing anything wrong.

Why did the process of getting older get named 'growing up'. Why didn't they call it 'changing slowing' or 'becoming different'.

Life should just be called changing instead of life because thats all everything does is change. Values changes, the meaning of words change, education changes, your height, your weight, your brain, your hands, everything changes. Your heart changes the most though. It at some times in your life is huge and you can be so happy and open to everything and everyone. But then a later you look back and raise an eye brow and try to recall the feeling of being that happy, and being so open. It's a cycle. Big, small, broken, shattered, torn, huge, normal. It no wonder that people have heart failure, think of how much your heart goes though, both of your hearts the one in your mind that is made up of to archs and a point and the one in your chest made of cardiac muscles and blood.

Change, its life.

Everyone is always changing, it all comes down to what conidion your hearts are in when you question if you were meant to be in each others lives.