Depressing?

I looked back at some of my old posts... I'm a very depressing person. Maybe I only looked at posts that at certain tags, but still. I guess I only really post when I'm sad. When I'm happy there's no need to post.

I woke up this morning and something was wrong. I could feel it. The second my brother got upstairs he solved it. My dad was still at the house. On a Monday. When he has a job.  Still it's a temp job, and he makes more on unemployment, but still. It pinched my heart. I still feel a little upset about it. We're up north now, so it will allow my mom to straighten out what she need to straighten out. Why can't life just be plain and simple. Ugh. It just takes too much out of me to thing about.

Bye

A Long Update

I planned on writing a really long rant. I did, really. After I had to log in though, I lost it. I no longer felt like it.

So, quite outline. Still like the same person, which sucks ass. I don't want to go to basketball, but my mom says we paid the money I'm going. Therefore, I have to suffer through it. I don't even know if I plan on trying out this year. Maybe I can join some work out class. I could get a job instead of a sport in the fall and winter. Then only do Track in the spring. I love track. It's great. It also makes basketball look like a lot of work... and confusion. Anyway that's a ways away.

I wish I could be up north... It's killing me that Nessa is up there sleeping in my bed. Ugh. It drives me up a wall that I'm here fretting about basketball and she's up there tubing without me. It just bothers me. That has always been my thing to stay up there with GG. I guess she needs a chance too, but still. All she does it whine about missing Adam and my brother. "Brandon doesn't know what no means." That got under my skin. Also, when she put it as her status that, "I'm going to cry to get everything I want." The post got me pretty fired up. I even commented on it... But I deleted it. I didn't want to start any fights.

On a better note, I get to go back up north after Brian's graduation party. Band camp was postponed, so now I can go back up north sooner. My mom says I'm not going to band camp if it's the week she has off of work. If they schedule it then she says I'm just not going. Works for me. They can't require us to go if they don't give us a fair amount of time before.

Also, my dad got a job through a Temp Agency. His unemployment ran out and they didn't know if they were going to renew it. So, now he has a temp job.

This turned out be some what lengthy after all. I tried to not repeat myself much. To make it more flowing. I put a lot of fragments in there too. Opps.

Nat

Sorry it decied to send in 11 different posts.

Well I'm torn between old and new. My mystery man, which is not much of a mystery anymore, and my weakness...him. I let myself fall again the other day. My guard completly down, as if I hadn't worked the last year on building it up... I can only imagine how pathetic I looked. Not only did I let my guard down, I spilt my guts. No, not about having feelings for him but why my dad is the way he is... He made a remark and I imagine he got a different answer then he was expecting... Billy found out who my mystery man is today. It's not like I hide it. My mother and brother are trying to guess who I like, they've said his name twice, but I told them no. They don't suspect it at all. I also told them I'm not going to tell them when they're right.

I can hear water falling from the roof left from the rain earlier today. I love it when it rains, it's my favorite thing. One day it would be interesting to kiss in the rain. I can see myself in the rain, all romantic-like, but I picture who I'm with.

I wonder if Billy would be able to do some digging for me this time, unlike last time. He was so reluntant to find out who it was. I wonder if he wants to hook us up just as bad, probably.

My home life is falling to pieces for a 3rd time. This time I'm not just playing along. I'm not encouraging it this time, a new approch. I know it won't fix it but I need a new way to deal with it myself. It's hurting me to. It kills me when I think how I'm stronger then my father.

Well I've said enough tonight,
ohhhh thunder I love spring.
Nat

I Hate Billy Billoli

So I've cracked. I have to take things into my own hands. I'm going to. It's scaring me thinking about it. But, I can't wait around again. I'm not the same girl that did before. Last night at the dance I feel like things changed between us again. Or at least I hope so... If only I could telepathically get him to do something...

I went to track meeting on Wednesday. It was scary. Haha.

My moms trying to make things better. It's not working. He's an idiot. Who need to like go back to high school again or something. Seriously I think my brain is more developed and hes 44 or something.

Natalie

Now I remember how I lost my weight. I didn't eat. This dawned on my a few days ago. My reasoning had been to improve my image in hope he would take me back. But yesterday after that phone call in the kitchen, I knew it was May 30, 2009 the day my daddy didnt come home, that had truely changed me. Now every moment on has changed me as well.

It's been a rough two days.

~nat

From where I'm looking now I take back all the thing I said about you because now I think you did what was best. Now that I'm seeing the old you again its clawwing into the grave I barried what we had in and bring back everything. I don't want that it messes with my head. It pulls back not only the memories of you but everything else that has happened. I've moved on, which I'm proud of. I'm a new me and your going back to the old you, but its to late for me to go back. I changed this summer and from this last fall I'm starting to see it more and more. I'm not that tough ass and who was happy at school and lazy at home. I cried at the bus stop this morning over a fight with my dad a >20 word conversation brought me to tears. I run everyday, I'n on a team now. I have friends all over and I'm not treated like shit anymore and I dated the biggest redneck in our class. I made my closest friend I'll ever have this summer and it changed me, shes the closest to my heart and we can say anything to each other. I find my self going to say sonething and then I remember that no one but her would understand.

Well I have finals in the morning so I should get some sleep.
~Natalie

School

So school has started. I have to say it's the strangest year ever. Its just natural yet awkward. It may be because I'm dragging my heals and denying it in my head that school has started. I'm finally expecting that facts.

I keep getting asked who I like... I don't know. I like Cody a little bit. He doesn't like me though. He still flirts with me though online. But I know he doesn't like me. Erin says I got hit on today. By JT. It was stand, I was waiting for someone to laugh and pay him $5. Then with KJ that was funny. It shut Brandon (I think thats his name) up real fast.

I ran a mile today in 8:55. It beat Adam's time but he has a stuffed up nose so he did worse then he would normally. I did shitty though. I had to stop and walk. I think it was more of a mental thing. I thought about it way to much and payed to much attention to my breathing. So I was like 'I need to stop' 'I can't make it'. I like that Ruel tell us were going good. He's an awesome teacher.

My family is driving me insane. Dad loosing his job sucks. He's home ALL the time. And we already budded heads when he was working. Now we're always going at it. And I have to just be like 'whatever. I'm not having this conversation'.

There's just something quick for me to vent.