Sorry it decied to send in 11 different posts.

Well I'm torn between old and new. My mystery man, which is not much of a mystery anymore, and my weakness...him. I let myself fall again the other day. My guard completly down, as if I hadn't worked the last year on building it up... I can only imagine how pathetic I looked. Not only did I let my guard down, I spilt my guts. No, not about having feelings for him but why my dad is the way he is... He made a remark and I imagine he got a different answer then he was expecting... Billy found out who my mystery man is today. It's not like I hide it. My mother and brother are trying to guess who I like, they've said his name twice, but I told them no. They don't suspect it at all. I also told them I'm not going to tell them when they're right.

I can hear water falling from the roof left from the rain earlier today. I love it when it rains, it's my favorite thing. One day it would be interesting to kiss in the rain. I can see myself in the rain, all romantic-like, but I picture who I'm with.

I wonder if Billy would be able to do some digging for me this time, unlike last time. He was so reluntant to find out who it was. I wonder if he wants to hook us up just as bad, probably.

My home life is falling to pieces for a 3rd time. This time I'm not just playing along. I'm not encouraging it this time, a new approch. I know it won't fix it but I need a new way to deal with it myself. It's hurting me to. It kills me when I think how I'm stronger then my father.

Well I've said enough tonight,
ohhhh thunder I love spring.
Nat

Suppose to be from my cell...

Uhhh. My head feels mangled, twisted, torn. I feels as though it is being filled and stepped repeatedly. I'm setting myself up for heart brake. It's killing me. I feel drained by the end of the day, from this mental war I'm fighting. I feel as though I'm reanacting freshman year. If I am the crash is coming soon. If only... But I need to face the facts. He dumped me. Last year at that. As Sam puts it "oh, oh, that's bad. You need to just forget him and move on." He's right, I do; and yet, I'm not. I just wish there was some other guy to take my mind off of him. But I want to be with someone smart, but funny, as well as cute, snd nice. So basicly the few there are at Grass Lake. I want that one... Every guy is forever going to be put into a vantiagram vs. Trevor. It's just how my brain works.

I'm so nerves for track. I'm out of shape again. Everyone else is going to know what they want to run and I won't. It's going to be like b-ball all over again. Hopefully I get just as lucky with a coach as I did with Fabor, he's in a way like the dad I picture.

I was kind of sad today. Twice today, I had the thought, "what would everyone do if I just started balling."
Well I'm going to go back to reading. Night.

~Nat