Suppose to be from my cell...

Uhhh. My head feels mangled, twisted, torn. I feels as though it is being filled and stepped repeatedly. I'm setting myself up for heart brake. It's killing me. I feel drained by the end of the day, from this mental war I'm fighting. I feel as though I'm reanacting freshman year. If I am the crash is coming soon. If only... But I need to face the facts. He dumped me. Last year at that. As Sam puts it "oh, oh, that's bad. You need to just forget him and move on." He's right, I do; and yet, I'm not. I just wish there was some other guy to take my mind off of him. But I want to be with someone smart, but funny, as well as cute, snd nice. So basicly the few there are at Grass Lake. I want that one... Every guy is forever going to be put into a vantiagram vs. Trevor. It's just how my brain works.

I'm so nerves for track. I'm out of shape again. Everyone else is going to know what they want to run and I won't. It's going to be like b-ball all over again. Hopefully I get just as lucky with a coach as I did with Fabor, he's in a way like the dad I picture.

I was kind of sad today. Twice today, I had the thought, "what would everyone do if I just started balling."
Well I'm going to go back to reading. Night.

~Nat

Please Don't Tell On Me... I'll Marry You

"I'm telling!" She whispered to him as they sat on the floor and pulled off their shoes one at a time with both hands.

"No, don't," he pleaded blocking her way to the door. She stood up and walked over to him.

"I'm telling!" She pouted her lips and crossed her arms across her chest.

"No, it was an accident. Don't tell on me," he spread his arms out so a hand was placed on each side of the doorway.

"You still did it!"

"No, don't... I'll marry you!" He said smoothly.

"Okay," she stated as she strutted by him now that his arms had fell to his sides.

Innocent, yet meaningful relationships at the age of six. They can say anything and neither of them know the true meaning of what they're promising to each other or calling it each other. They sit at the kitchen table and laugh at each others cake mustaches. One will be going to the bathroom while the other one stand in the same bathroom doorway and screams to mom asking if they can blow up water balloons in the bathroom.

When do the relationships become so complex? When you learn that married is what your parents are? When you learn that you don't always just go to the hospital because you are physically hurt?

When does that little kid innocence go away? Do you just wake up one day and it's gone? I don't remember when love turned into such a big word for me, or when girls and guys couldn't be left alone together even if they have to intention of doing anything wrong.

Why did the process of getting older get named 'growing up'. Why didn't they call it 'changing slowing' or 'becoming different'.

Life should just be called changing instead of life because thats all everything does is change. Values changes, the meaning of words change, education changes, your height, your weight, your brain, your hands, everything changes. Your heart changes the most though. It at some times in your life is huge and you can be so happy and open to everything and everyone. But then a later you look back and raise an eye brow and try to recall the feeling of being that happy, and being so open. It's a cycle. Big, small, broken, shattered, torn, huge, normal. It no wonder that people have heart failure, think of how much your heart goes though, both of your hearts the one in your mind that is made up of to archs and a point and the one in your chest made of cardiac muscles and blood.

Change, its life.

Everyone is always changing, it all comes down to what conidion your hearts are in when you question if you were meant to be in each others lives.