A Long Update

I planned on writing a really long rant. I did, really. After I had to log in though, I lost it. I no longer felt like it.

So, quite outline. Still like the same person, which sucks ass. I don't want to go to basketball, but my mom says we paid the money I'm going. Therefore, I have to suffer through it. I don't even know if I plan on trying out this year. Maybe I can join some work out class. I could get a job instead of a sport in the fall and winter. Then only do Track in the spring. I love track. It's great. It also makes basketball look like a lot of work... and confusion. Anyway that's a ways away.

I wish I could be up north... It's killing me that Nessa is up there sleeping in my bed. Ugh. It drives me up a wall that I'm here fretting about basketball and she's up there tubing without me. It just bothers me. That has always been my thing to stay up there with GG. I guess she needs a chance too, but still. All she does it whine about missing Adam and my brother. "Brandon doesn't know what no means." That got under my skin. Also, when she put it as her status that, "I'm going to cry to get everything I want." The post got me pretty fired up. I even commented on it... But I deleted it. I didn't want to start any fights.

On a better note, I get to go back up north after Brian's graduation party. Band camp was postponed, so now I can go back up north sooner. My mom says I'm not going to band camp if it's the week she has off of work. If they schedule it then she says I'm just not going. Works for me. They can't require us to go if they don't give us a fair amount of time before.

Also, my dad got a job through a Temp Agency. His unemployment ran out and they didn't know if they were going to renew it. So, now he has a temp job.

This turned out be some what lengthy after all. I tried to not repeat myself much. To make it more flowing. I put a lot of fragments in there too. Opps.

Nat

Knowledge Is the Best Defence

I've always heard that the best way to deal with diseases is to be well informed. So today I once again googled it. It brought me to tears reading some of it. In a way it made me grateful for my mom and I both being on the same side. No joke I think I my mom was on his side on this I think I would have committed suicide by now. Thinking back I remember times at my old house where this was a problem too. I hear my moms accounts from before I was old enough to put the pieces together. I pray for my baby brother each day and how his future will be. My mommy made a remark the other day about me taking care of my brother when he's 40 and going through this. I'm crying as I'm writing this... I kills me to think of the future. I read something on one of the 'Ask the Therapist' sites where it says they loose a little bit each time they have an episode that they can't get back or go back to. All I could think of was fuck, this is going to be a long life. I also read some comment about teens who had to have restraining orders or one that made a tear fall was a girl who lost her dad to the disease. Which mean he caused it during an episode. 

My mom keeps telling him we need the paper work for a support group. Each time my mom and I are away we talk about some people at her work tell her how strong she is that she can just laugh about. We looked at each other and asked at the same time how else were we suppose to live with it? We can't be sad otherwise we'll just miss out on life and there's no point in being angry. For some reason these are the cards we were dealt and we just have to make the best of the hand.

I've been pretty down the last few day. I don't really like my new schedule. Well take out the 'really'. I don't like it at all. Going back and reading my posts from last winter, I see that I had just about the same attitude. My first 3 hours are sophomore classes so it's all the same people from the last few years so not only are they different teacher but it's the same boring people as past years. 

This summer I am planning different camps. I have basketball camp and band camp, and I have been looking into an Engineering Camp up in the U.P. I am longing for summer. The swimsuits were on the racks at Target today and I wanted to go and look at them, but I got a shirt for track instead. Yes, Yes, I'm going to sign up on Tuesday. No more procrastinating for me. I figure it can only be as hard as basketball, mostly likely, it will be will be easier. Hopefully some of the freshmen I play basketball with will being doing Track because Makenna, Mackenzie, Bri, and Christy all play softball. Jessi had said she was going to run with me but she ran the mile the other day in S&R and when she sat down she commented about not wanting to. Also when I asked if she wanted to go sign up with me on Tuesday she hesitated and changed the subject or something. I figure if I could do basketball alone for about two months before anyone knew, then I can do Track. The only thing about Track is there's a lot more people. There's only 3 more weeks of basketball :( I'm happy but also sad because I have to think about staying on JV next year, I guess if Chet can do it, I can. 

I jammed my finger again at practice on Thursday. I had been sore and the size had gone down, but all hopes of getting my ring to go over it every morning are gone again. It was bruised at the knuckle this morning. And wouldn't you guess my tape is in my locker at school. So my mom bought some more while we were at Target today. I have typed this whole thing with my middle finger and ring finger taped together. 

Well, I've run out of things to talk about.

~Natalie

T.G.I.S.

Thank God It's Saturday.

This was a long week. I do not think I hand more the 6 hours in one night. I know that's horrible. My bones were just acing with tiredness all week. On a good note I finished my book. It was quite different, The Tenth Circle by Jodi Picoult. It was one of those books where you find a book you really want to read, but it's checked out so you grab another one by that author. I finished in it a week, returned it Wednesday and got My Sister's Keeper. I'm about a quarter of the way into it now.

Now I will go back to what I'm sure ALL my reading (joking) want to know about, my post from October 10th. I joined the basketball team. I made it my the tips on my finger nails. I started training back in October twice a week. I was going to 1 on 1 with the Varisity coach and assistant coach on Tuesdays and on Thursdays I was going to conditioning with girls that were planning on trying out. I had been running all summer with the thought in the back of me head. I tried out on November 9th-10th. It was a back-braking practice both days. To tell you the truth in my head in every step I took each day in those two hour pain practices I was second guessing every choice I had made to get myself to that point. I was telling myself that I no longer wanted that, that I didn't want to be on the team, I couldn't take 4 months of that. I didn't stop putting my best effort in. By Tuesday night, I was drained. I didn't give a fuck if I made the team or not. I wasn't nervous the slightest bit, until it was my turn to go sit between Coach Faber and Coach Rubing. At the point Amber had gone before me and had informed me that she hadn't made it. They told me about how they had talked and talked about wither or not I should be on the team due to the fact that I hadn't played in years and the other girls had. That they could tell I had talent I just need to sharpen again. They said if I was on the team there wouldn't one on one, that I wouldn't get a lot of playing time, and that there will be some games that I don't get in at all, but as I got better I would play more often. Then Coach Faber asked me if knowing all of that if wanted to me on the team. My hands were shaking when I told me yes. As I stood up they told me jokingly no boys. I had just started dating Levi the night before so a smile filled my face and practically skipped back to the gym door where Mckeena and Christy had cracked the door to see me coming. And that's how I got myself the Grass Lake High School JV Girls Basketball team my sophomore year. Now we stand 4-0, with my season total of 4 points. My hands started shaking again just thinking of it.

Levi was short lived. It was real and it was a relationship but it wasn't a real relationship. All it did was cause me to get a few scratch on my reputation and cause everyone in the school to get there panties in a wrinkle over the odd match. It reminds me of a time with Trevor when he told me about his mom asking him if he like me or the idea of me, and how he asked me the same question and I knew the answer right way because I too had thought of it before. Levi, was the the guy that was a jerk all the time but when it came to you he softened right up and was quiet and not as confident. The guy that said good morning and good night to you, who was a true country boy and was a total hard ass. I liked the idea of Levi, not Levi.

I have all these new things in my life. Yet some night I want the old.

Just had the freakiest dream ever. It starts out me getting a pass at half court from larissa out of our even press break, a bounce pass around the red girl from Hanover. Then I dribble it down and go to the left, reverse dribble, and shot from the left elbow. I'm fouled and I fall to the ground, a girl falling back from going for the rebound lands right on top of my left arm. Stomps it with her left foot, snaps it dead center between my wrist and eblow. I let out a loud 'FFFU' but don't finih it. Mark Mata and Wes Potts stand in the student section 5 rows from the bottom, they are waiting to see if I'm going to get up. It was very vivid... but I have no need to worry about it because I won't even see any court time at all in the game agaisnt Hanover on Friday.

I have it set up now so I can blog from my phone. I never have time to get on the computer now due to basketball 5 nights a week, so I can text it now. Cool? I know. Right now with this post I am testing to see if long texts post as two different posts on the blog. Mwahahaha! Now I can rant to blogger.com from my phone. Trust me sometime I just sit there waiting before dinner thinking of things I could post to let out some steam, now I can.
(|0|) Idk what that is NAT

Confused

I hate everything being up in the air. I want answers.

Here and Now

Wow... I really did it. I never would have thought that I would ACTUALLY take a real step. I've always planned out ways I'm was going to change myself and my life, but now... I really am. Now all I have to do is work my ass off so this all doesn't blow up in my face. If this goes sour, boy it will suck. Especially now that I've let myself think of my future with it. This could crush me. I feel great about it though. I can't wait. I've made it through two so far, but I still have many more of those firsts to go.

I'm being very vague about this I know. I promise you that by next month this time I will make it very clear what I'm talking about. Let's hope I can do it. I know I can. I have the support I need, and more that I will ask for if I feel I need it.

Making Changes

So, I've finally admitted that summer is over... I packed away my shorts today *tear* Not the p.j. ones or the gym one though. Since the weather is changing, habits are changing, time is changing, our schools football reputation, and my life is changing I decided I would fix up my blog so it was all up today. Seeing how the layout and name are summer oriented. Lets hope I don't jack anything up...

<3