Knowledge Is the Best Defence

I've always heard that the best way to deal with diseases is to be well informed. So today I once again googled it. It brought me to tears reading some of it. In a way it made me grateful for my mom and I both being on the same side. No joke I think I my mom was on his side on this I think I would have committed suicide by now. Thinking back I remember times at my old house where this was a problem too. I hear my moms accounts from before I was old enough to put the pieces together. I pray for my baby brother each day and how his future will be. My mommy made a remark the other day about me taking care of my brother when he's 40 and going through this. I'm crying as I'm writing this... I kills me to think of the future. I read something on one of the 'Ask the Therapist' sites where it says they loose a little bit each time they have an episode that they can't get back or go back to. All I could think of was fuck, this is going to be a long life. I also read some comment about teens who had to have restraining orders or one that made a tear fall was a girl who lost her dad to the disease. Which mean he caused it during an episode. 

My mom keeps telling him we need the paper work for a support group. Each time my mom and I are away we talk about some people at her work tell her how strong she is that she can just laugh about. We looked at each other and asked at the same time how else were we suppose to live with it? We can't be sad otherwise we'll just miss out on life and there's no point in being angry. For some reason these are the cards we were dealt and we just have to make the best of the hand.

I've been pretty down the last few day. I don't really like my new schedule. Well take out the 'really'. I don't like it at all. Going back and reading my posts from last winter, I see that I had just about the same attitude. My first 3 hours are sophomore classes so it's all the same people from the last few years so not only are they different teacher but it's the same boring people as past years. 

This summer I am planning different camps. I have basketball camp and band camp, and I have been looking into an Engineering Camp up in the U.P. I am longing for summer. The swimsuits were on the racks at Target today and I wanted to go and look at them, but I got a shirt for track instead. Yes, Yes, I'm going to sign up on Tuesday. No more procrastinating for me. I figure it can only be as hard as basketball, mostly likely, it will be will be easier. Hopefully some of the freshmen I play basketball with will being doing Track because Makenna, Mackenzie, Bri, and Christy all play softball. Jessi had said she was going to run with me but she ran the mile the other day in S&R and when she sat down she commented about not wanting to. Also when I asked if she wanted to go sign up with me on Tuesday she hesitated and changed the subject or something. I figure if I could do basketball alone for about two months before anyone knew, then I can do Track. The only thing about Track is there's a lot more people. There's only 3 more weeks of basketball :( I'm happy but also sad because I have to think about staying on JV next year, I guess if Chet can do it, I can. 

I jammed my finger again at practice on Thursday. I had been sore and the size had gone down, but all hopes of getting my ring to go over it every morning are gone again. It was bruised at the knuckle this morning. And wouldn't you guess my tape is in my locker at school. So my mom bought some more while we were at Target today. I have typed this whole thing with my middle finger and ring finger taped together. 

Well, I've run out of things to talk about.

~Natalie